8 February 2012, 1:47 pm
I need help. I was beat as a kid daily. Almost to death on occasion. I was and still am verbally abused by my dad. I am 18 now and I have had enough. These thing have reeked havoc on my life in many different ways. Some being; I have a social anxiety disorder, I think about suicide daily and have attempted it, I have no self-esteem or self worth which comes to be an inferiority complex, I have to find reasons daily to be happy. The social anxiety disorder has effected me in a lot of ways. One being holding me back from my potential as I am naturally an outgoing, loud, funny(my friends say I could be a comedian) , and happy person but this makes me sad, depressed, and quiet. It has stopped me from ever having a relationship and I am letting the love of my life slip away. I have tried to make progress and become better but every time I make some progress it is shut down. I am no longer beat as I was and I can let that all go, but the verbal abuse is enough to do all these things. I would love to wake up or walk into my house and not be made fun of, called fat (when I am not and my dad is so fat he can't wipe his own fucking ass) called ugly (even I am a good looking muscular or jacked male) I want to not be blamed for all my asshole father's problems, or made to feel like a sub-human creature as the center of all his jokes. This verbal abuse has held me back from meeting people, talking with people, telling some I like how much I do or even have a conversation with them, which tears me apart inside. This has led me into the world of drugs and alcohol, but as I am so strong willed I've gotten clean and I workout and go for runs everyday as I have dropped close to 30lbs in a year. Yet none of this seem to help me. I know what I am intelligently but I only believe these things as I have been called them by my dad, brother, people at school, and other activities I used to do since a young age. I want to stop trying to find reasons to be happy and just enjoy and live my life for just one day. I don't know where to look, I don't know what to do, so hopefully I can get some answers here. This isn't everything but hopefully enough to get my point across. I also have never been encouraged, only put down and I did not do good enough I was never shown affection so I don't know how now Its not the past which is holding me back, its the daily present verbal abuse and such... Read More »
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